I'm not a pepper

I love this new Dr. Pepper ad campaign. 23 flavors! What is that supposed to mean, exactly? Why is 23 a good number of flavors to have? Doesn't that seem like a little much? I mean, when you're mixing paint colors together, once you have more than a couple it really just comes out brown, and the more colors you put in, the browner it gets. I would apply that same philosophy to pop. After a few flavors, it would really be just a big amalgamation of blandness. How about Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper? How many flavors does that have? 25? 26? Some significantly higher figure? I also love that at no point in any of their ads do they explain what any of the flavors are. The only clue they give is pepper, and I highly doubt that pepper of any sort, be it black, bell, chile, jalapeno, etc. have actually ever made it into the recipe. So, apparently all you need to have a successful ad campaign for your product is to come up with some arbitrary number of flavors that is set forth as an ideal. Why stop at 23? 23 must be better than 22, right? Then, by that logic, 24 would be better than 23, and so on. Why not 99 flavors? Why not 1000 flavors? And what exactly constitutes a "flavor"? Is carbonated water a flavor? Is high-fructose corn syrup a flavor? Is caramel color a flavor? How about caffeine? What I'm saying is that Dr. Pepper could consider any, all or none of those things--not to mention countless others--flavors and could have essentially said that they had any number of flavors that they wanted. But they chose to stop on 23. Why? Here's my theory: Michael Jordan. Basically any product that His Airness endorses will sell very well. He has probably shilled more products than every other person on the face of the earth put together. Ever. Ok, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but it's close. So, naturally, he commands an extremely high fee for his services as a compensated endorser. And Cadbury Schweppes, being the fiscally savvy company that they are, decided to get the next best thing: his number. Nearly all the MJ at a fraction of the price. Jordan has never been known as a great actor anyway, right? I mean, did you see Space Jam? Not exactly an Oscar-worthy performance. But 23 is transcendental. It could never ruin a commercial with its acting. It doesn't wreck every summer by appearing in the same Ball Park Franks commercial year after year. It doesn't fraternize with Kevin Bacon in a Hanes-wearing contest. And it certainly would never can a mid-range jumper over Craig Ehlo.

Oh to be old again

At what point in the near future are we going to realize as a society that old people just can't cut it? I say that once a person turns 75, they should be given yearly mental tests to make sure they are still fit to live and function in society. After age 80, start testing every six months, after 85 every three, and after 90 every single month. If they fail any single test, they are to be taken outside behind the wood pile and disposed of in the most efficient possible way - tossing them down a well. Don't worry. They won't know what's going on anyway. Why do this? Because old people are dangerous, and in more ways than one. By now, I'm sure we're all aware of the carnage that can happen with the elderly behind the wheel of a car. Every single one of them thinks they're stepping on the brake when they're stepping on the gas. Is it like, once you hit 80 you expect the brake and gas pedals to magically switch places? Or is it that the pedals should go where your feet are because you're old and you deserve respect? And the old people always walk away from those accidents unscratched! They kill a bunch of pedestrians but make it to bingo on time. And they all drive cars the size of aircraft carriers - what's with that? I say that once you turn 70 you should be able to drive a car no larger than a Neon, and by age 80 driving should become illegal - other than your rascal you motor around town in. These people can't stop from bumping into shelves with their scooters at the grocery store, yet we let them drive El Dorados and Crown Victorias and USS Carl Vinsons.

Another less direct but perhaps even more deadly threat that the elderly pose is that they vote in droves, yet have no idea what they're doing or for whom they are actually voting once they get to the booth. These new electronic voting machines were supposed to be easier for them to understand than the old punch ballots, what with all those arrows and hanging chads and all. I mean, who could follow those ballots? Anyway, trust me when I say that old people are even more confused with the new electronic voting machines. I voted next to one on Tuesday, and I wanted to punch her 88 year old face in. She had no idea what she was doing. The poll worker (who was probably 70, by the way, so that didn't help much - in fact most poll workers are old ladies, which is another problem altogether) explained to her exactly what to do, as she did to me, before she went to the voting machine. When the old bat arrived at the machine with a dumbfounded look on her face and did not even insert her card to get started, the poll worker came over and explained the whole process to her one more time in great detail. When the poll worker started to leave and saw that the old lady still had not started, she said sternly "vote!" I could hear the old lady muttering "I don't know what . . . " At this point, I finished voting and left, but I'm sure that fiasco went on for at least another two hours. So not only are old people causing delays at polling places, they have no clue how to vote and therefore could end up voting for anyone. That old lady could have written-in Adolf Hitler's corpse for governor and not even known it. I just can't trust a country when old people have any kind of say in the government. They've had their time. Their time is over. This is why my old person testing system should be put into place - to save the country from the gray panthers.

And who is going to fund this testing program, you ask? Certainly not us taxpayers, you say. Well, not most of you taxpayers. The money will be made, with plenty to spare, with my proposed cigarette tax. That's right - all packs of cigarettes should cost $25 - at least, if not more. Why? Because no matter how expensive they are, smokers will still smoke. They will smoke themselves onto the streets before they will give up their precious cigarettes. Smokers would rather live in a cardboard box with a fresh pack of Pall Malls than live in luxury if it means they have to quit smoking. I don't know why this idea hasn't been brought up sooner. If smokers are still affording their rent payments, then cigarettes are too cheap. 40,000,000 smokers in the United States, at an average of half a pack a day, which I'm sure is an underestimate, at an average of $22 of tax per pack, would bring in over $150 billion a year. We would have money to fund my old person testing program, plus money to drill the wells down which to throw those old people who fail the tests, money to help fund cigarette advertising (they say you get it back 10 fold), and enough left over to fund a manned mission to Europa. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

To blog anew . . .

Here I am, back again, this time with a new blog. The Horrible Gelatinous Blog, that is. I'll try to attempt to see about possibly keeping it updated at least twice a week perhaps. Also, for this go-around, I have a new goal - TO MAKE THIS THE MOST READ BLOG ON THE INTERNET. Also, a secondary goal is to get more hits than any Luke Jernigan-maintained website. However the only place I will be advertising for this blog is on the blog itself and in my IM profile. I will not be conducting news conferences, sending out mass emails, or bothering you in person. So it is up to you, my readers, to spread the word about this fresh, exciting, new blog. If you tell two people, then they tell two people, and then they tell two people, then hell, that's like everyone. Also, I can't promise that there will be zero serious posts if I get really, really pissed off about something, but feel free to just skip those. Ok, enough of this introduction bullshit. On to the content.

For those of you who don't know, I work in the finishing department of a printing plant. It is a painfully boring job with extremely long hours with incredibly stupid people as my fellow employees. I would call them co-workers but not all of them fit that title. There is nary a college graduate among them, excepting for myself, of course. (On a side note, which is better - a stupid person who happens to find a decent, fairly well-paying job while still maintaining his stupidity and drug habit, or a smart, educated person who is so lazy and indifferent that he works as a drone in a job that requires no education at all with a bunch of trailer-dwellers?) Anyway, one perk of my job is that I get to see hundreds of advertisements, and of course laugh about how stupid they are. There are advertisements for grocery stores, cellular phones, hardware stores, and of course, chiropractors. Why is it that every week there are five chiropractor advertisements going out in people's junk mail? Pure quackery, I say. Have you ever actually seen an ad from a REAL doctor? Come do Dr. Smith's Cardiovascular Surgery Emporium! We're giving discounts on quadruple heart bypass procedures! That's right folks, buy a triple bypass, and get the fourth one free! If you find another doctor advertising a lower price, we'll match it plus knock $100 off your price! But wait, there's more! Act now and receive a free skin graft! Chiropractors crack me up. They all have advertisements claiming that they're the inventor and developer of some new back manipulation procedure that will cure lumbar pain, arthritis, obesity, athlete's foot, impotence and Alzheimer's. Let's get this straight. Chiroquacktors are not doctors. Sure, they're titled Doctor, but it's not an actual medical doctor degree, it's a Doctor of Chiropractic (D.C.) which means nothing. They can't perform surgery or write prescriptions, and take about 30 seconds to diagnose and treat a patient. You'd be far better off asking for medical advice from your dental hygienist, or making your way to a holistic healer.

But, even worse than chiropractors are these ads for expensive products which promise you a free gift if you purchase it. Right. Free. Except for that $499.98 I'm paying for the ladder. If you don't count that, then, yeah, I guess it is free. And the free gift is always just some crappy device that will be used once and tossed in a drawer, never to be heard from ever again. My favorite one I've seen recently was on a automobile advertisement. This dealership took advantage of the fact that Thanksgiving is nearing, and decided it would be a great idea to give away a free frozen turkey with the purchase of a new vehicle. That's right. Oh man, I didn't really want to get a Kia Sedona, but damn, Thanksgiving is coming and I haven't gotten a turkey yet. Shit, I guess I better get that car. Do the American people really fall for crap like that? Are we really that dumb? Yes, we are, because if we weren't, crap like that would never happen. Oh man, Jim, this is some great turkey. It better be! It cost me fifteen thousand dollars! What's next? Are the free gifts going to start getting shittier and shittier as the products become more and more expensive? Buy a boat and get a free bottle opener as our gift to you! Realty One is proud to offer, as a reward for purchasing your home with us, this free rubber keychain! Step right up folks! All it takes for you to get your hands on this free, one of a kind dust bunny is to purchase one of these gently used space shuttles! That's only 200,000,000 easy payments of $99.99! Where do I sign up?