Oh to be old again
At what point in the near future are we going to realize as a society that old people just can't cut it? I say that once a person turns 75, they should be given yearly mental tests to make sure they are still fit to live and function in society. After age 80, start testing every six months, after 85 every three, and after 90 every single month. If they fail any single test, they are to be taken outside behind the wood pile and disposed of in the most efficient possible way - tossing them down a well. Don't worry. They won't know what's going on anyway. Why do this? Because old people are dangerous, and in more ways than one. By now, I'm sure we're all aware of the carnage that can happen with the elderly behind the wheel of a car. Every single one of them thinks they're stepping on the brake when they're stepping on the gas. Is it like, once you hit 80 you expect the brake and gas pedals to magically switch places? Or is it that the pedals should go where your feet are because you're old and you deserve respect? And the old people always walk away from those accidents unscratched! They kill a bunch of pedestrians but make it to bingo on time. And they all drive cars the size of aircraft carriers - what's with that? I say that once you turn 70 you should be able to drive a car no larger than a Neon, and by age 80 driving should become illegal - other than your rascal you motor around town in. These people can't stop from bumping into shelves with their scooters at the grocery store, yet we let them drive El Dorados and Crown Victorias and USS Carl Vinsons.
Another less direct but perhaps even more deadly threat that the elderly pose is that they vote in droves, yet have no idea what they're doing or for whom they are actually voting once they get to the booth. These new electronic voting machines were supposed to be easier for them to understand than the old punch ballots, what with all those arrows and hanging chads and all. I mean, who could follow those ballots? Anyway, trust me when I say that old people are even more confused with the new electronic voting machines. I voted next to one on Tuesday, and I wanted to punch her 88 year old face in. She had no idea what she was doing. The poll worker (who was probably 70, by the way, so that didn't help much - in fact most poll workers are old ladies, which is another problem altogether) explained to her exactly what to do, as she did to me, before she went to the voting machine. When the old bat arrived at the machine with a dumbfounded look on her face and did not even insert her card to get started, the poll worker came over and explained the whole process to her one more time in great detail. When the poll worker started to leave and saw that the old lady still had not started, she said sternly "vote!" I could hear the old lady muttering "I don't know what . . . " At this point, I finished voting and left, but I'm sure that fiasco went on for at least another two hours. So not only are old people causing delays at polling places, they have no clue how to vote and therefore could end up voting for anyone. That old lady could have written-in Adolf Hitler's corpse for governor and not even known it. I just can't trust a country when old people have any kind of say in the government. They've had their time. Their time is over. This is why my old person testing system should be put into place - to save the country from the gray panthers.
And who is going to fund this testing program, you ask? Certainly not us taxpayers, you say. Well, not most of you taxpayers. The money will be made, with plenty to spare, with my proposed cigarette tax. That's right - all packs of cigarettes should cost $25 - at least, if not more. Why? Because no matter how expensive they are, smokers will still smoke. They will smoke themselves onto the streets before they will give up their precious cigarettes. Smokers would rather live in a cardboard box with a fresh pack of Pall Malls than live in luxury if it means they have to quit smoking. I don't know why this idea hasn't been brought up sooner. If smokers are still affording their rent payments, then cigarettes are too cheap. 40,000,000 smokers in the United States, at an average of half a pack a day, which I'm sure is an underestimate, at an average of $22 of tax per pack, would bring in over $150 billion a year. We would have money to fund my old person testing program, plus money to drill the wells down which to throw those old people who fail the tests, money to help fund cigarette advertising (they say you get it back 10 fold), and enough left over to fund a manned mission to Europa. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Another less direct but perhaps even more deadly threat that the elderly pose is that they vote in droves, yet have no idea what they're doing or for whom they are actually voting once they get to the booth. These new electronic voting machines were supposed to be easier for them to understand than the old punch ballots, what with all those arrows and hanging chads and all. I mean, who could follow those ballots? Anyway, trust me when I say that old people are even more confused with the new electronic voting machines. I voted next to one on Tuesday, and I wanted to punch her 88 year old face in. She had no idea what she was doing. The poll worker (who was probably 70, by the way, so that didn't help much - in fact most poll workers are old ladies, which is another problem altogether) explained to her exactly what to do, as she did to me, before she went to the voting machine. When the old bat arrived at the machine with a dumbfounded look on her face and did not even insert her card to get started, the poll worker came over and explained the whole process to her one more time in great detail. When the poll worker started to leave and saw that the old lady still had not started, she said sternly "vote!" I could hear the old lady muttering "I don't know what . . . " At this point, I finished voting and left, but I'm sure that fiasco went on for at least another two hours. So not only are old people causing delays at polling places, they have no clue how to vote and therefore could end up voting for anyone. That old lady could have written-in Adolf Hitler's corpse for governor and not even known it. I just can't trust a country when old people have any kind of say in the government. They've had their time. Their time is over. This is why my old person testing system should be put into place - to save the country from the gray panthers.
And who is going to fund this testing program, you ask? Certainly not us taxpayers, you say. Well, not most of you taxpayers. The money will be made, with plenty to spare, with my proposed cigarette tax. That's right - all packs of cigarettes should cost $25 - at least, if not more. Why? Because no matter how expensive they are, smokers will still smoke. They will smoke themselves onto the streets before they will give up their precious cigarettes. Smokers would rather live in a cardboard box with a fresh pack of Pall Malls than live in luxury if it means they have to quit smoking. I don't know why this idea hasn't been brought up sooner. If smokers are still affording their rent payments, then cigarettes are too cheap. 40,000,000 smokers in the United States, at an average of half a pack a day, which I'm sure is an underestimate, at an average of $22 of tax per pack, would bring in over $150 billion a year. We would have money to fund my old person testing program, plus money to drill the wells down which to throw those old people who fail the tests, money to help fund cigarette advertising (they say you get it back 10 fold), and enough left over to fund a manned mission to Europa. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
posted by Brad at 6:02 AM
1 Comments:
You're going to live to be 100 years old.
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