The Men Commandments
I. THOU SHALT NOT CROSS THY LEGS IN A GIRLIE FASHION. How many guys have you seen go on talk shows, or just sit on a couch at your house, and cross their legs by putting one leg right on top of the other, much like a chick wearing a skirt. HOW ARE YOU NOT CRUSHING YOUR BALLS? I know how. You don't have any. Because any testicle-having person crosses his legs with one perpendicular to the other, parallel to the ground, ankle on knee. It's way more comfortable, way less painful, and WAAAAY less gay.
II. THOU SHALT NOT BE A FIGURE SKATER. You shouldn't even own a pair of figure skates. I'm not saying you can't go ice skating. I'm down with hockey. Just no figure skating. Son, what do you want to do when you grow up? I want to dance around on the ice like a snow pixie! The fact that you occasionally might get to hold a chick up in the air by her vagina is not a good enough reason. Also, for the same reasons, thou shalt not be a cheerleader or a gymnast.
III. THOU SHALT NOT DRINK ANY BEVERAGES WITH TWO HANDS. Only chicks can get away with that. I don't care if you're cold, sick, paralyzed, or have prosthetic hook hands. I don't care if the mug you're drinking out of weighs 200 pounds. Drinking is a one-handed endeavor. Keep it that way. The only time when this could POSSIBLY be acceptable is if you were stranded in the wilderness somewhere and you had to stay alive by drinking river water and you had no container with which to fetch it, and you had to ladle it up to your mouth using both hands. But even that is a stretch. I'd rather just have you stick your whole head in the water and gulp.
IV. THOU SHALT NOT WRITE LOWER CASE L'S WHEN WRITING WITH ALL UPPER CASE LETTERS. Come on. It looks exactly like an I. THE ClEVElAND CAVAlIERS. Now that just looks ridiculous. COME ON EVERYBODY, lET'S All GO SHOPPING AT AlDI! Really, this should apply to everybody, not just men.
V. THOU SHALT NOT CRY AT THE MOVIES. Not even to score some booty. It's not real. It's a movie. Right behind the camera are about a hundred directors, producers, lighting and sound people, cameramen, grips, prop guys, costume designers and dirty, drunken bums, none of whom are crying. Oh, but somehow since you're watching it on video, sitting in a dark room, you can forget the fact that it's all just pretend and let the tears flow. I mean, even if it was real, have some balls. Also, no screaming during horror movies, you girl.
VI. THOU SHALT NOT EAT ICE CREAM STRAIGHT OUT OF THE CONTAINER. Unless you really need to spill your guts about how fat you're getting, or how Kevin dumped you, or how you think you might be pregnant. Did you hear about that new Ben and Jerry's flavor? It's called Yard Work. I believe it contains castration with some pruning shears. Mighty tasty.
VII. THOU SHALT NOT WEAR PURPLE. I don't even like how this blogger page I'm writing this on has a slight lavender tint to it. Imagine this situation: You're a big time high school football player, but the only schools that have offered you scholarships are Northwestern, TCU, Clemson, East Carolina, Kansas State, and LSU. What do you do? Kill yourself. I mean, what would your friends say? Hey, Chuck, you look great in that ROYAL PURPLE. Yeah, it makes you look like a real QUEEN.
VIII. THOU SHALT NOT WEAR A TOUPEE. What are you telling the world? I'm so insecure in the fact that I'm a man and I'm bald that I cover it up with a hat made of other people's hair. Oh, but it looks so natural. NO IT DOESN'T. It looks ridiculous. I am going bald, and I'm telling you right now that if any of you reading this ever catches me wearing a toupee, you have my permission to torture and kill me at your leisure, even if I object at the time.
IX. THOU SHALT NOT GO TANNING. If you have ever entered a tanning booth than for any reason other than to sabotage it, or to attempt to travel through time, then there is probably no hope for you, your children, or your children's children. Wait--until guys figure out how to get pregnant, you won't be having any children, so at least we don't have to worry about that.
X. THOU SHALT NOT USE A LOOFAH. By using a loofah you are basically saying "stick it up my pooper." One would think that this wouldn't even need to be said, but it does. I know. I've had roommates before who used them, which means I actually had to be in the same shower as a man-loofah. It was horrifying. Guys, there are so many other options - cloths, sponges, or even your own damn hands. I say sponges, but I only mean fake sponges. None of those actual sea sponges. Those are just as bad, if not worse, than loofahs. But, oh no. This fluffy nylon shower cloud feels so good against my balls, I just can't stop using it. And I just can't stop using this weedwhacker to remove your penis.